Prikshat Verma
Senior Lecturer
Regional Institute of Management & Technology (RIMT)
Mandi Gobindgarh
E-mail :

Becoming Your Ideal Self

When we feel that we are being loved and are accepted by a friend or a person—we automatically think that we are important. That is how we raise our self-esteem—by becoming more understanding to individuals so that they should love us and naturally accept us as their friend.

This high self-esteem naturally gives us a self-image that is full of confidence and understanding. When we have the confidence because of being loved and accepted, we tend to grow emotionally as well as intellectually. That is we grow by leaps and bounds through inner self or intrinsically.

We must be aware that sometimes other person don't like what we are doing-so when we recognize this and understand this, immediately we try to change ourselves just because of their expectations., so we could please them and should not earn their wrath. In doing so we feel OK –thinking that what others' were expecting we have come to their desired level of expectations.

This means that we have the capability or we can say we have become self-confident that we can be spontaneous. By spontaneous I mean to say that we can behave in a manner or fashion to please the persons around us and still pretend to be OK.

Does that mean, because everyone should accept us and love ourselves and that is the precise reason, why we are responding according their wishes and desires?

But what is our location when we indulge ourself into such type of behavior? What about our true feelings, and our desired behavior based on our personal attitude and feeling level?

Why we are doing so?
Why we are indulging into creating this dissonance?

Contrary to this—the second side of the coin-- if I behave or act in a certain way which is in sync with my attitude but considered not suitable by others, the feeling creeps in –I will be hated and not accepted by the close ones. Moreover I am scared that if I expose my true feelings about a particular person and try to live my real self, I will be facing so much of resistance and difficulties in relating to people around me, because they are in the habit of treating me as a being who is submissive in nature and a personality who bends his attitude according to the needs of the persons concerned.

It gives me a sense of pleasure and acceptance when I introspect that by indulging into superficial behavior--that everyone who is around me should be pleased-- I am assuring that everyone likes me.

But on the other hand, when I think, why I am doing this, it gives me a bad impression about myself, and most of the times I am at loggerheads with my true inner self.

Generally people who are diplomats face such dilemma --because of their diplomatic nature they tend to please every other person in the garb of strong social or affiliation need , and in the mean time they are hurting their inner self by not doing what their true self was telling them to do. They are highly displeasing themselves by not reacting in the transparent manner, as their intuition or attitude would have desired.

They are just putting up the mask and compromising with their true self in order to be socially acceptable. And behind that mask a somewhat silent, but disturb-causing true self is in dissonance with their superficial behavior, lamenting them for doing that.

There can be two reasons why generally people behave or not behave according to their true self—

1. Unconditional Acceptance : If your actions are disapproved and disliked or some people may raise frown on everything you do— but still love you and accept you –this is unconditional acceptance. It means that people around you are taking you as you are, whether your behavior pleases them or not.

2. Conditional Acceptance : The reverse of this, is conditional acceptance—here you have to behave in an approved way, so that persons should like you or love you . There are some strings attached to me, being accepted by others—that is minus my perceived arrogance.

Luckily enough, if you are the one who receive conditional acceptance –and have a conflict in your mind that there is high degree of dissonance between your actual behavior and desired behavior ---- there is a flicker of hope.

You should have confidence enough that people will accept you unconditionally along with your minus points or those typical traits and characteristics which you possess, taking in stride your negative points along with your positive aspects.

Remember everyone is not perfect and everyone has got some negative points in him or her—therefore by capitalizing on this notion you should feel that people should also accept your negative side along with your acceptable traits.

To make matters worthwhile first we should accept this that nobody is perfect and if I like a person –I like him on the basis of positive as well as the darker side, and vice versa. This notion will improve the relationship. Moreover if I am accepted unconditionally I will be feeling more confident and forthcoming in my relationships with anyone or everyone.

From this we can derive out, that when a particular person is accepted unconditionally –it will definitely raise his confidence level and thus will create a platform for him on which he can work himself emotionally and can be true to another persons in interpersonal relations.

Moreover, more you behave according to your attitude—lesser the dissonance with yourself and more the honesty with your real self. When you are honest to your self –only then you can be honest to peoples with whom you are interacting. If other persons see the tinge of honesty in you they will react in the same way.

When you tend to follow this type of behavior, which is in line with your attitude, you start growing and feel confident about yourself.

- You understand your real self.
- You start to accept that parts of your personality that are intrinsic to you, but you never exposed that self.
- You start getting along with persons better.
- You become more like your ideal self.

Prikshat Verma
Senior Lecturer
Regional Institute of Management & Technology (RIMT)
Mandi Gobindgarh
E-mail :

Source : E-mail December 2003




Important Note :
Site Best Viewed in Internet
Explorer in 1024x768 pixels
Browser text size: Medium